My Depression Story. A silent killing pandamic

My depression started when I least expected it. Or should I say I didn't know I was depressed till it was too late. It crept up on me. I wasn't even aware that it was happening. By the time I woke up in hospital, I didn't even know what had happened. The depression got so bad, I had mental breakdown and started hallucinating and I fell off a building while at it. 

I woke up in a hospital and was diagnosed with major depression. It's easy to fall into it because society does not want to talk about sadness. 

Besides I never thought I'd get depressed. I thought it was a white person disease. 

I studied psychology and most of the case studies we did were on white people. So I'm not racist. The only Botswana case I came across had something to do with the family of the person saying he was bewitched. But in Psychology it was closest to Dissociative Identity Disorder, it had nothing to do with depression.

When I look back I remember that I stopped doing the things I love. I loved watching TV and movies. Everything TV I loved, but somehow I stopped to watch it, and my life deteriorated. 

Then I stopped reading. Then I stopped listening to music. I stopped living. I became a shell literally. Dead man walking. Then my mental health just started deteriorating. I just wanted to die. 

I remember walking into a pharmacy  and wondering what I can eat to kill myself. But I was never brave enough. I heard that dying it painful so I was too scared of the process of dying. If I could transfer myself from alive to dead without pooping on myself, I would have. People had told me horror stories about the process of dying so I didn't want people to find me surrounded by feces at my own doing.

So I decided I'd rather die unawarely one day and not by my own hands. It didn't stop me from fantasizing about death though. It was all I thought about. 

How was I expected to live without my mother? 

It was stupid and impossible, I used to think. 

Who was I supposed to make proud? 

9 years down the line I've accepted she's gone. Not having a confidant is hard. There is no one I can truly be myself with. I can't call her up when I visit countries because of my work. Sometimes I don't check in at airports or at hotels because there is no point. Sometimes I want her to check up on me to see if I'm alright. I want to be someone's primary concern. I can't buy her things and give her the comfort she never got when she was busy taking me to the best schools.

I used to call her up at every little single disruption in my life then she'll talk to me and the world and mostly my mind will balance again. Sometimes when I think of the things I called her about, I think she must have thought I'm crazy. She probably wondered how I'd survive without her. 

9 years seems like a lifetime right? For me it seems like yesterday. The days are more bearable but I sometimes I loathe the moments lost while I was depressed. I believe I would have met the one by now and had 2 or 3 children.

But the process had to happen, right? 

And God knows everything anyway. If I had to go through this to find this(God) then it's ok. 

And then there's Mother's Day and people will be there showing off their mothers. Haha. I know they wouldn't be exactly showing off but yo! sometimes it feels like that. I'll be there thinking look at you showing off your live mothers. 

God had everything to do with my healing, though I studied psychology, I never thought the anti-depressants could ever work for me. Maybe that is more for the Psychiatrist part, but I knew there was something bigger that could heal me at the time and God did. I found him 5 years ago and it's been great. The thing my mother told me before she died was that I should find God. I was raised in a Christian home, but I never knew Him personally like my mother did. 

James 5:14 
James 5:15 
Psalms147:3 
When you are depressed it's hard to get out of the whole. But keep looking for help. Because there is light at the end of the tunnel - this is a cliche but it's true. When I was depressed I never thought I'll ever be happy again, but I am. And I would have missed all these wonderful moments had I committed suicide.

Photos from a Google Search. 

Sesame Mosweu - An Entrepreneur, Lawyer and Everything Amazing!

Interview Questions for Sesame Mosweu

Hi Sesame, how are you? It’s been 6 years since I last interviewed you. Feels like a lifetime ago

Why did you leave the entertainment industry?

I wouldn’t say I left it I would say I prefer the business side of it because you’re more in control and can craft things your way.

Do you feel more fulfilled in the path you have chosen and would you have done anything different in the past 6 years?

Yes, I am fulfilled. I don’t think I would do anything different, I only ever make a mistake once, and I learn and move on. If something gives me the results I want then I repeat it, improve it and replicate it.

You do a lot of insightful posts on social media, should we expect a book soon?

I have been writing for a long time but it is fictional and I allow my creative juices to flow. I want it to be a TV show, but I am not putting myself under any pressure it will happen when it does.

Other than practising law, what do you do?

Live life fully J. I run a clothing store that caters for women of sizes 28 to 50. It is called Xevo and it is located in the CBD at iTowers. I workout 4 – 5 times a week, I travel or plan travels, I’m also a lot more daring with foods I have tried out, I’m learning French, writing and reading a lot more than my younger self did.

When a couple in the limelight break-up, a woman is usually blamed or people feel “sorry” for her. For what I don’t know because the break-up can be mutual or woman initiated, do you feel the same way about your break-up with Zeus?

I don’t want to comment on this.

Does the fact that your very public figure ex is married give you any pressure to settle down?

Nop.

Any special somebody in the picture?

I also don’t want to comment on this 

Do you consider yourself an advocate for women/feminist, if so why or why not?

I think I am an advocate for fairness, it’s just that women have had to be subjected to a lot of unfairness and inequality because of a patriarchal system we found, the people who came up with those rules are not even here anymore. That being said I am very grateful to Botswana for being a country that allows me to have a choice.

What book are you currently reading?

The Law of Success by Napoleon Hill (for like the hundredth time) 

Your most influential person currently?

I am a believer, so the number one above.

What is your view of Honourable Kenewendo? She has clearly changed the ball-game.

I LOVE her. I am proud of my President for appointing Honorable Kenewendo as a full Minister of Investment, Trade and Industry, it is a strong sign to reassure youth and women that your dreams are valid, if you throw yourself into an endeavour it will bare fruits – it’s just that we have a weakness as a people of impatient and doing thing half heartedly. Whatever you do, and do it fully with all you have you will get results.

Do you see yourself opening up your own law firm?

No.

Any health advice? Food to eat and exercises to do to keep healthy? What regime do you follow?

I am currently part of boot camp and it is lead by a trainer. I don’t like working out, I do it for the benefits because if I do not take care of my body and my health I will have to make room for illness in future, the pain of working out and eating right is way less than being sick.

What is currently on your playlist and speaking to you, soulfully?

I listen to sermon every morning as I get ready for gym. Right now I am obsessed with T. D. Jakes.

Any last words?

Let’s stop living like we get a second chance at this thing. It’s a blessing just to be here.

Hoping to speak to you sooner than 6 years!!

Tshidisky - behind the BTV News Reporter and the RB 2 Presenter

How did Tshidi end up where she is today? Please tell us the story of your life.

Hehehe end up where???  Well God has brought me to where I am. From the time I was

Born, He knew me.  This truth is really mind-blowing, yet we forget sometimes. I am a child of the Most High God, then a woman, my mother's daughter, my future husbands wife (laughs), a Radio and TV personality as well as a writer.  All these things are who I am, but I'm in transition it's not where I'll end up. It's where God had allowed me to be so He could take me to where He wants me to be ...  watch this space.

Do you believe you were called to be a media personality?

Yes.  I am so undeserving of the privilege and yet I am here.  It cannot possibly have been by my own doing. So God calls us to do what we ourselves love naturally, yet know the capacity to do it is God-given.

How do you plan to use your influence to impact the society at large and spread the Word of God?

People believe what they see on TV and hear on radio. I am privileged to have both experiences. It's more like allowing God to use me through these platforms.

If the only thing I can do right is be able to be an example of what God says it's possible. Then that is what I want. So if the way I do life can reflect that, then I'm happy.  I want people to still believe in love and hope and honesty and selflessness. I strive to live these out and that being said, you can only hope it will be enough influence.

How do you spread the Word of God on a daily?

I live it. It's in the way we do the simple things in life or at least try that we reflect Who God is. In the way we talk to people, treat others,the way we love and forgive. The way we discipline and criticize, manage our relationships, our work, money, etc. God is everywhere and when we acknowledge this truth we are better placed to share His Love even with those who think they don't want to know Him .

And does God help you every-day of your life to cope with your battles and blessings?

Of course.  I can't do anything without him. He teaches me to be both grateful for my blessings and not grow a big head in the process. And also teaches me to whether storms so I don't forget His Grace and Mercy and promises.

Do you ever wish you could change anything in your life and if you could, would you opt for the life in the spotlight?

The spot light isn't everything. If I could purposely change lives and be impactful that's the only satisfaction I need. If I could change anything I would probably be less of an introvert.  Although it has for the most part kept me and been a blessing  .. in small ways I feel it has potentially affected my outlook on life. (I think I've divulged too much.... Hahahaha) 

Have you ever had to be on radio when you are down, but had to be hype, how did you handle that? 

Hahahaha too many times to count.  I say a prayer,wipe away the tears. Do a few counts and go on air with a massive smile on my face so I could have what they call a smiling voice. Within a few seconds I'm OK. Radio is a job like any other really, you learn to leave your issues at the door, enter the studio, do your part, change the world and go back after hours and deal with your situation at home.

Tshidi – you are moving to Selibe Phikwe, take us through the emotions that you are going through because of this move.

Change always brings confusion and a sense of restlessness. They say change is good so we will see how the transition goes.

How has this impacted how you see your work, what will you do differently to ensure you continue doing the stories that matter and are relevant to the urban areas.

The work remains the same, it's only the locality which has changed. This will be more challenging and so I will give it my all to best reflect the district to which I am called to provide news coverage.

Still on that question, how do you pick and choose your stories?

Anything which is worth knowing about or is in the public's interest to know about makes news and is worthy of coverage.

Do you ever see yourself doing the news maybe on CNN if not why not?

Oh yes.  The sky is the limit.

Where do you see your career in 5 years? And your life?

Married, kids, author of a few books....motivational speaker..life coach... The list is endless. I want to be my own boss.... Entrepreneurship!

Tell us 5 things that people don't know about you.

If I tell you it'll take the fun out of it remaining unknown. But anyway....

I am a singer... Lol.... But you'll never catch me singing

I believe in waiting for marriage

I don't like uneven numbers and things

I am a perfectionist (.took me a while to acknowledge that)

I'm a great swimmer ( I think I still am)

I love art.... And handy crafts ( okay.... I got carried away)

What's your biggest wish?

To see multitudes come to Christ

Who is your favourite person and why?

My Mother.  She is phenomenal.  She's alot of things I wish I could be. I've never know someone so selfless, loving and amazing.

Your favourite drink, song, movie?

In this order.....

Cranberry Juice,

There are many songs I love but I'll give two if I may: , Bethel - No Longer Slaves and Passenger - Scare Away the Dark

Movie : Titanic (hides) Yes, I'm a hopeless romantic  Hahahah

And finally thank you for honouring us with an interview.

Thank you for the privilege, I'm honoured.